Jamaican Me Crazy Day 1 in Jamaica

So I landed into Montego Bay international Airport excited to get my hands on a mojito and to see what the hype was bout on this little island. I watched as most of the people that sat around me stood up ready to made a mad dash to the front of the plane. This has always confused me when people do this because we were in the back of the plane. An when I say back, I’m talking we was in the Rosa Parks section of that mofo. That means we were alllllllllll the way in the back of that sum bit. I knew, just like they knew. There was no need to rush because it’s going to be a minute. So I sat in my seat, smiling behind my mask at their foolishness with my head phones on. I started listening to that 1000 miles song. You know that song that goes, 🎶”Dew!, da!, do!, do!, da dew…!, Dew!, da!, do!, do!, da dew!” That song from the movie White Chicks, you know the song.

So anyway, I finally get off the plane and make my way to customs. Some Jamaican women in these tiffany green dresses who were TSA workers, met me on the way there with bottles of alcohol to sanitize your hands with. (Disclaimer: that alcohol is strong as hell. It will make your hands feel like bricks when you rub them together so bring some lotion.) I knew right then and there, that they were not playing the radio with cha about that covid. They were even letting you know on the loud speaker, “If ya’ bring that bloodclad virus ova’ ere, were killing you and ya mut-her!” Or some sh*t like that. (They aint really say that, but be safe because if you do, ya ass going to jail…. oh an say that part in a Jamaican accent! The dont bring it over here part lol.)

I continue through customs and was guided to a machine by a dude with some big ass glasses on. I’m talking you could look up at the sky and see Jupiter in them mofos they were so thick. Anyhow, the machine is going to ask for your passport and it’s going to take your picture. It’s gonna give you a ticket with your picture on it and you will get back into line to give it to the customs agent whom doesn’t even want to be there. Seriously, at this point they are just over tourist.

Aight so boom, I get past customs, get my bags scanned because your going to have to get them checked again. I go over to where the cabs, rental cars, transportation shuttles and what knots are to see if there is a shuttle to take me to my resort the “RIU Reggae.” I didn’t see a shuttle and of course those aggressive as taxi drivers noticed. One of them came to me with the, “Hey mon, what er’ ya looking for-er’?” I said to him, “I’m looking for my shuttle to the RIU Reggae!” Do you know that this ugly dry headed basturd told me to follow him to my shuttle only for him to take me to his cab and said, “for you mon only $25, it’s only 5 to 10 minutes away!” I had to jump back and said, “geesh $25? Come on now papa, that’s a little much isn’t it? You’re trying to do me!” He said, “No, mon… I’m cheap mon, everyone is is charging $35!”

I told him I was good and I called my homeboy and said, “Aye man, I’m here. Do I get on a shuttle or a cab to the resort? Because I don’t see a shuttle” He said, “Ask them for Otis! He should be holding a sign with your name on it” I said, “Man, it’s over 30 damn cabs here there ain’t nobody here holding my name and these folks don’t know no damn Otis!”

At this point I knew that I had better get a cab because my homeboy was one one. I just asked a random cab driver how much to take me to the RiU Reggae and he said, “$15 dollar for you Mon!” I said, “let’s go Mon!” So we left and I was the only person in his cab which it wasn’t a cab at all. It was a big ass bus but hey i saved $20 so I didn’t care! So I’m recording video like a person who ain’t never been no where before and the driver said, “Hey mon do you smoke trees!” My eyes almost popped outta my head and I was flabbergasted at his boldness and his audacity to ask me that when he knew I was an upstanding Christian man. Now, I aint gone tell yall what happened but just know that buddy got some good prices and some premium stuff.

So after about 10 minutes, buddy makes a sharp left turn outta no where into an area that didn’t look to savory. I said to myself, “Oh, shit this muthafucka finna try and kidnap me!” What he didn’t know was that I was ready to monkey stomp his ass! Now before you ask, “No! I don’t know what a monkey stomp is!” And “Yes, I was gone do it on his ass if things went left!”

It turns out that this was the resort that he turned into. On the outside it didn’t look like much, it looked like a two story apartment building that you would find in the hood with white paint peeling off of it. But I didn’t judge it just yet because it had just turned to dusk outside. We get through the gate and I said to myself, “Oh this is nice. I hope the rooms are nice too!” I get out the cab and pay buddy and tip him because he looked out and didn’t try to do me like ole boy. The bell hop met me and was aggressive as hell. I wasn’t out of the cab good before he said, “Sir, are ya staying ere’!” I said, “yes MON!” (Hell, he was holling at me so I hollard at his ass back!) So he was like, let me hold ya bags and sanitize your hands and wipe ya feet and blah, blah, blah. 

So I check in, in less than 8 minutes. The staff was fast and friendly, the lobby was nice and full of vibrant colors and the people seemed to be having a good time. I got my room key, some vague instructions and I was off to finding my room which was a challenge. None of the damn signs makes sense, the numbers cut off in odd places. Like it will have rooms 1100-1153 <—-, rooms 1178-1199 —–>.
Rooms 1154-1177 you just gone have to find them bitches on ya own. so be prepared to go on a mini scavenger hunt when you get here if you stay at the RIU Reggae.

Aight so I find the room and one of my potnas is there in the shower. The other one had left to look for me down in the lobby. When I walked into the room, yall all I could say was, “Hell nawl!” Man we flew all the way over here to stay in a damn motel 6. This room looks NOTHING Like the damn pictures online. (Don’t worry, I’m ma post the video) this room was more so a small galley and not big enough in my opinion for 3 big scrong menz! (Yes I said scrong menz, that means strong men for my non southern readers) but at this point I didn’t care. I just wanted me a mojito, something to eat and a nap. I was going to worry about the room upgrade later. 
My other potna let’s call him, “Franklin, frank for short.” came back into the room talking about some, “what’s up bro!” I said, “don’t what’s up me you some of ma bitch! What’s up with this room!?” He laughed and explained the situation and said that we’re going to upgrade. Then he asked me. “Where is Teddy?” I said, “I guess he’s in the shower!” (Dont ask me why I named them frank and Teddy.) So me and frank are talking and laughing about the room. When I noticed a frosted glass by the bed. I said man what is that!? Teddy was taking a shower and this nigga Teddy silhouette WAS ON THE FROSTED GLASS IN THE SHOWER! IT AIN’T BEEN 20 MINUTES AND I DONE SEEN THE SHADOW OF THIS NIGGAS DING-A-LING! I said, oh hell nawl this aint gonna work. Im not going to stay in a room where I can see ding-a-lings in the shower. Nope, I can’t do it.

I knew that this night was about to be crazy. So after teddy got out the shower, I cussed everybody out. We all laughed about our room situation and we went to a restaurant called “Steakhouse.” You have to have on a shirt with sleeves to go into this restaurant. I don’t know if that’s just at this restaurant, just a rule for men or if that’s the case for all of them. But, just make sure you put on sleeves or have at least a t-shirt handy when eating here. We waited to be seated and the atmosphere and the surroundings the resturestaurant was amazing. It was near one of the outside pools. The food was pretty good, well the meats were good. The vegetables were already precooked and they put nutmeg or cinnamon on the corn. I don’t know who the f*ck puts cinnamon on the corn but I guess it kinda worked… (I’m adding some pics and video) 

I finally got my mojito but I was tired so I turned in early. Frank and Teddy on the other hand stayed out all night and told me about their evening when they got in… Let’s just say I missed out on a good time. 
Part 2 later today.

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